After I had Desmond I felt pretty confident I did not want to have a second child. I had always thought I'd like to have two or three kids. But after the pregnancy, the delivery, the painful nursing, the sleep training and general raising and parenting of a newborn to a toddler with no family nearby as a stay at home mom, I felt like one was a lot of work and a lot of wonder and definitely enough. People would ask me when I was going to have another and tell me I just HAD to. And I would think things like, "Yes, if I want to end up in straight jacket. Or prison." I just didn't think I had the patience for two. I felt like I just barely had the patience for one. But I also never totally shut the door on the idea, mostly because my husband is one of five children and always wanted more children. I thought I could possibly change my mind but it didn't seem likely. Just in case, I saved most of Desmond's baby things, thinking also if I accidentally got pregnant I would be all set.
Then three years ago, I went to see a medium. I went because I wanted to hear from my mom who died when I was twenty one of breast cancer. I met with Christopher Allen on Long Island and he was very good. He said some interesting things. He may have been communicating with my mother, but who's to say really. I have been to a few mediums since she died and really all I even want them to say is "Your mother is here with you, she wants me to tell you she loves you so much and is so proud of you. She loves your husband and your little boy and your home and all that you do. She is watching you and always will be." But they never say that, they seems to spend the whole time telling me things that they couldn't possibly know, in an attempt to prove they are speaking with her, or someone who has passed. Which is interesting but never really quite satisfying.
While I was there, towards the end of the reading he paused for a minute and then said, "Are you pregnant?" and I said no. "Are you trying to get pregnant?" he asked. No, I said I wasn't at all. And then he told me my mother and my two grandmothers were there and they were all congratulating me on my pregnancy. Now, I would have thought that my reaction to this would have been a resounding "No way, you're way off, not gonna happen." But to my surprise, I felt some sort of relief and a very pleased sort of, "Oh yeah?? How nice." It totally threw me. I started to spend time thinking about the possibility and my reaction to the possibility of having another baby and for the first time since Desmond was born, I thought, maybe I could do it.
That same year, I took myself on a date to Woodstock to a medium circle where a different medium was hosting a small gathering of people in a yoga studio, taking time to talk with each person there. When he got to me, he asked if I was pregnant. I said I was not. He asked if I was trying to get pregnant and I said I wasn't. He told me there was a soul around me wanting to be born and if I wanted to have a baby, there was one there waiting for me, but that ultimately it was up to me to decide.
What I decided to do was meet with him one on one a little while later. I met with him, and he did not seem to remember me from the group circle. But he asked me again if I was pregnant. I asked him things like, "If I had another baby, would everything work out okay?" and "Do you think it would be a boy or a girl?" He said yes he thought everything would be okay and he felt like the energy of the spirit around me was very gentle and might be a girl but he couldn't be sure.
I started to think more and more about this supposed spirit who was hanging around me, wanting to be born. Was it cruel to deny this baby a chance to come to earth? Was it over the top hokey to be thinking about such a thing? But what if it were true?
More and more I felt like there was someone missing in my family. Like there was someone tugging at my skirt, waiting on me to decide that they could come live with us. Someone was meant to come and I needed to wrap my head around all that that would mean and become willing to allow it to happen.
For three years I quietly debated with myself. I was on the fence. I could not decide to do it and I could not decide not to do it. Neither idea was terribly appealing to me. I was afraid to have another child. I was afraid to go through all the of hard stuff again. Scared that it would change everything for the worse. What if our second baby was not healthy or severely handicapped? Everything was perfect now, what if we just made everything harder for ourselves? What would be better for Desmond in the long run? We could do more for him if we just have him to care for, we could travel more, we'd have more money to spend. And what about the overpopulation of this planet? What about the state of this country? Oh, the horrors.... And then I would think, is it just fear keeping you from doing this? Is that pathetic? Wouldn't that be sad? You cannot make decisions based on fear. You should make decisions based on love, right? And faith? And joy? Then wouldn't the right decision be to choose another child for our family? To allow this soul it's wish to be here with us, if there is one hanging around wishing? I thought maybe it was.
In the meantime I had made a friend in a Reiki class I took. I had mentioned to her I was thinking about having another baby. She said, "Oh this may sound really weird and I would never have told you if you didn't mention it, but I have a tendency to see unborn babies around people who want to be born and I have seen one around you." You don't say.
My fortieth birthday was approaching and I guess eventually, after all of the debating and not deciding I thought maybe it would be a good idea to try and if it happened it happened and if it didn't it didn't and that would be the deciding factor and then I could just let it go. Because soon, it would be too late. I was getting old and time stands still for no man. Or no woman.
So we decided to try and four months later, I was pregnant. And then terrified. What had we done. I continued my internal debating and worrying. Even though it was too late. Then had a twenty four hour meltdown when I found out it was another boy. How I wanted a girl. How I thought that would make it "all worth while". To have a mother daughter relationship again. To have a whole totally new experience. One boy and one girl. And then it was okay. It was good that Desmond would have a brother and wasn't this all for him anyway. With 6 years age difference at least they would have more in common this way. And I loved my little boy so much, how could I not want more of that, how could it possibly be anything less than wonderful, knowing what I know now about being a mom. A mom to a little boy. I adore it.
As time went on, I felt more excited. As time went on, it felt a little more real. Although it felt very hard to believe, that we were going to do this again. That we were going to have a baby.
Even now, even though I am quite sure there is a baby coming, that that baby living in my belly is going to come out and be in the world, I don't know what it will be like to have a baby now. It's been so long. And everything is different now. I am different. Our family is different. We are in a different home in a different town. I feel like it will be easier. Maybe that is wishful thinking. There is no way to know. I wonder what type of baby he will be. Will he be super fussy or easy or somewhere in between? Will he be healthy? Will he look just like Desmond?
Because I have felt like this baby had been waiting for so long to have the chance to be here, I have had such faith in his journey and surviving these nine months of growing and getting ready for a safe delivery into this world. I even ate salami and runny eggs. Except if his need to be conceived and his human experience was only meant to be short lived. But I don't think so. I think this guy has plans. I think he chose us and is excited to be here and determined to be alive and do what he came here to do, whatever that is.
I am so glad I was brave enough to help him do it. I am so glad he is coming to be with us. I feel honored and I feel loved already and I love him right back.
I think he waited a long time. And now it is my turn to wait. We wait together now for just the right time. I read today that birth begins once the baby's lungs are fully developed and the baby releases a hormone that says, "Okay, I'm ready now." And this begins a chain effect of hormones that signal labor to begin. So I think about his lungs and his breath, the sounds he will make, the voice he will have and the songs he will sing.
I think even after all the debating, the trying, the conceiving, the pregnancy, the waiting, I will still be a little surprised when I hold him in my arms. And I'll think, "Get outta town!! Where did this come from??"
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